tonight i am thinking about the sadness. tonight, perhaps, i am not doing so well. in the prison of my room, i force joviality, which is a performance for the hamster alone. tonight, matthew, i am the clown with painted tears.
did you know - if you wear contact lenses for too long, it can mean that your tears do not regenerate? perhaps i misunderstood, as i sat in the chair, looking at lines of letters that did not come easy to me. but, this is what i heard, and i said - how poetic. if i wear them forever, perhaps i will never cry again.
tonight i think about my body. i am bored of the subject, getting the essay back on self love with another failed mark, wondering how long until it all ‘clicks’. will it be before or after i lose weight?
tonight i think about how ‘september’ sounds, to me, like ‘futile devices’. i think about that summer trip to dijon. kissing on the bridge and drinking in the irish bar.
i ask google: what is going on in the world today big issue? i learn about the earthquakes in syria and turkey. the uk government unwilling to help the visa process for any of the millions who have been displaced. 47,000 dead. i do not know if i will ever meet 47,000 people. it is a number i cannot even comprehend.
tonight i am thinking about availability. the chronic online. how my optician asked how many hours of screen time, and i think i lied. 4, i say, but sometimes more. work can get like that. but, in truth, i know it is closer to 6. i wish i weren’t so easily accessed.
tonight i am thinking about the sadness. so, instead, i numb it all by going to bed.
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