My ex boyfriend once complained that the release of Beyonce's Lemonade had caused the women in his and his friends' lives to become bitches. It seemingly coincided with the revelation that he had been cheating on me, so I had been listening to the album on repeat. The themes of betrayal and Beyonce's songs working through the stages of grief emancipated me from being simply quiet about it, but this took the biscuit.
I should have been outraged. It shouldn't have taken a whole litre of vodka for me to feel and express my anger. Two days after the revelation, he said that I should make up my mind - either break up with him and save him the aggro or forgive him. I should have sacked that shit off and, looking back, I don't know why I consented to having someone shit on my very valid feelings in this way.
There should have been a 'Six Inch' moment wherein I went to the club and had this revelation, feelin' myself surrounded by the people who love me and want me to do well. I was convinced that I was unworthy of love, ugly, fat, virtually devoid of personality. Malleable - whatever you needed me to be - fuck-thing, mother, cleaner - that's all I was to you. I just wanted to be loved and convinced myself that change was possible in a 20-something person who did not love nor respect me.
I tried to make it to the 'Forward' phase of my Lemonade-tinged second year of university, thinking that I was actually fighting for something worthwhile, but there was such self-hatred. I thought I needed to get to being 'All Night' and accept the truth and move on - but it takes two people to want to make something work or actually be in a relationship, not a fucking facade.
And it's tainted anything vaguely romantic since. I'm not sure enough of myself in any capacity - even with making friends. Several things happened at the same time and I just don't trust other people or being confrontational or even expressing an opinion. I feel like a waste of space. I allowed someone to fuck me up and I can't help but revert to being as small as possible with my feelings or wants or needs. I can't even talk to my dad about things anymore. It's not worth the effort of having to open up to someone just for them to use your weaknesses against you.
Or so I thought. A lot can change once you finally manage to break out of the cycle. But I wish I had taken the anger of the first half of Lemonade and used it to liberate myself. Although going back to a cheating spouse might have worked for her, it doesn't usually pay off when you're in your late teens and the person you're seeing just doesn't respect you. So, thanks Beyonce, but I was just being a little bitch. I needed to find the anger myself.
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